A blog about my life, my likes, and my crocheting/web designing

Posts tagged ‘anxiety’

Anxiety…how I cope…

A while ago, I was diagnosed with high anxiety.  Be it from my childhood growing up or the various hard times I had through my teens and early 20’s, this has helped me deal with it some.  Knowing what is terrorizing you in the middle of the night and keeping you from sleep, or making you stay at home in your comfy pajamas and avoiding those parties or invites to the bars from your friends, makes it easier to handle and get past.  After some blood work, I found out my vitamin D was low, which can aggravate anxiety and depression.  I started taking vitamin D supplements and I really can tell the difference.  I’ve also purchased and have been gifted some wonderful adult coloring books by Johanna Basford.  If you haven’t heard of them or seen them in the stores, go look for them!  They are wonderful.  It really does help to relieve stress when you’re having a bad day.  Crocheting also helps me with the day to day anxiety and stress.  Making something beautiful can distract anyone from sad thoughts or thoughts that you aren’t good enough.  I keep avoiding the other activity that my therapist informed me will help as well.  Exercise.  I’m a stay at home mom.  By the time I feed and care for the kids and my husband, take care of things around the house, plus trying to start potty training our almost 3 year old, there isn’t a whole lot of time for exercise, let alone sleep or fun like when I was younger.  I know that I need to start.  Losing those extra pounds I’ve been carrying around since having my son almost 3 years ago would be a big self esteem boost for me.  Not that I’m overweight or anything, but I used to be in so much better shape.  I keep telling myself that I’ll start after this holiday, or after this week, or maybe tomorrow, yet I don’t have the self discipline needed to do it on my own.  We only have one vehicle, so it’s hard to try and meet people at the gym.  I could go on with the list of excuses that I have as to why I haven’t started working out like I know I should, but I just don’t want to.  It’s hard and I didn’t have a good example growing up of taking care of my body.

Anxiety is something that not a lot of people care to know about or actually acknowledge as an actual disease, so not many people have sympathy for those who go through it.  It can be debilitating at times, but when you get yourself checked out and actually go through the steps to help manage it, anxiety doesn’t have to be something that keeps you from living your life.  It also helps to have a partner who supports you and tries to help you when they are able.  My husband works around 13 hours a day around 4-5 days a week and the days he is off are also rather busy in our house, so he helps when he is able.  We are slowly learning and getting this marriage thing down.  The support is always there though.

I am writing about this today because this morning, I was having a really bad anxiety day.  A little nap while my son was napping, some coloring and some sunshine have helped a lot since this morning.  Every time you experience a bad day, it makes you think about the good days and value them more.  You stop and go through all the different tools you have to battle the invisible monster attacking you and slowly move through them until you find the one that works that day.  Could I use a longer nap? Probably, but for now, I’m ok.  One thing you learn as a mother is that you don’t take as much care of yourself as you do the others in the house.  It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.  The hubby is pretty good about keeping me in check on that, but I slip on that one a good bit anyways.  What mother doesn’t though?

Now it’s off to dinner making, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, homework and other odd jobs around the house until bedtime.  Remember to take care of yourself while you are taking care of your loved ones.  You are important too!


Sleepless nights…

It is 12:23am. I am still wide awake while my husband (still not used to that lol) and son sleep on the other side of the bed. I have birthday ideas for my daughters upcoming party running through my head. Ideas for the invitations. People who I hope can make it to the party.
Hopes for people who can’t make it to the party…..
That’s the part that gives me anxiety attacks.
I love my new father in law. He is literally the best!! It’s his “girlfriend ” that I’m not crazy about. That and her children/grandchildren. I’m not trying to sound rude. I’m really not. It’s just, she is not a nice person, her daughter is not a nice person, the grandkids, well, one of them is a sweetheart, but how do you say “she can come but the rest of you can stay home” without sounding like the wicked witch of the east? The problem comes because we invite his dad and “her” to our children’s parties, yet she always brings along the grandkids, without asking. She assumes we consider them family, yet we don’t. And honestly, if I could have just his dad come, it would make things a lot easier.
His girlfriend decided to have some choice words with my mother at the end of our wedding reception 3 weeks ago and it wasn’t pretty. My mother did nothing wrong, wasn’t talking to or about his dad’s girlfriend, yet she decided to verbally attack my mother for no good reason. This is the kind of stuff that happens on a regular basis. She says or does something to piss off or offend someone, yet his dad either isn’t around but automatically sides with her, or he just chooses to act oblivious yet still sides with her “to keep the peace at home”. It has driven a huge wedge in the family. And now, after the wedding fiasco, which was the only bad part about our wedding, my mother has said that she will not go to places where that woman is invited. This makes birthdays and holidays tricky. I’m not good with confrontation. My husband was taking things home when the wedding fiasco happened so I had to deal with it myself and didn’t have a clue how to go through with it without my voice cracking every few words like a boy going through puberty. :/ not fun.
Again, I love his dad, he is the best father-in-law I could ever ask for. My own dad has recently bailed on my brother and I, so it’s nice to have a father type figure who actually cares again. I just keep hoping that my husband will have a talk with his dad about everything and how we feel about what has happened and things to come.
As a mother, all I want is for my girl to have the best party ever and have lots of fun with her family and friends. I know that if that woman comes and she brings her grandkids, she will try to steal the show and in one way or another, try to ruin my baby’s birthday.
I wish there was a guidebook to help in life situations such as these, yet sadly, there is not. So I will be praying for some kind of miracle for my little girls party.
Sorry for the ranting, just some things u really needed to get off my chest. My husband picks on me and says that I need to grow a back bone and stand up for myself, yet I don’t want to drive a wedge between him and his dad. I’ve basically lost my dad and I know how much it hurts. He has already lost his mother around five years ago, I couldn’t do that to him. It’s just not fair that the rest of the family has to grit their teeth and put up with someone who doesn’t fit in to the family at all just to “keep the peace”.