A blog about my life, my likes, and my crocheting/web designing

Thoughts…

Living with anxiety and depression is rough. People like to say “just get over it. Just choose to be happy. It’s all in your head.” YES IT IS! It IS in my head! Because it is a mental disease! And guess what, we have all TRIED to choose to be happy. Sometimes it works, most of the time it doesn’t. So we pretend. We play a part around people who we have realized don’t understand and don’t want to try and understand. Anxiety and depression HURT! It physically hurts some days just to exist. Getting up can be our biggest struggle of the day. But we push on, we pick ourselves up, we try to motivate ourselves to go on with our daily life. That hug hello you give us, it may not mean much to you, but it is our lifeline. It fuels us for a little longer. It gives us hope that we can make it through the rest of the day. You may not even realize. You more than likely don’t even know the demons I’m fighting as I smile at you, hiding behind my mask, wishing I was at home in bed under my covers. Hiding from the world. Because it’s the only thing that doesn’t hurt. The one place we feel safe to be ourselves. Hollywood would be amazed at how good of an actress I can be. If they knew, I’d be the next big star. But that kind of attention, Ha! No way! So I sit. I smile. I support those around me. Because I want to be for them what I wish I had for myself. No one realizes that. But knowing I could be helping someone like me, that’s what makes it hurt a little less each day. That’s what keeps me going.

Anxiety is…

Anxiety is a sink full of dishes. Dishes that to a normal functioning person would be nothing to tackle. To someone with anxiety, it’s overwhelming thinking of the time you have to spend doing them, when there are so many other chores that need tending too. Or children who need something. It’s also a crippling embarrassment that you can’t keep up with them and keep the sink empty for more than an afternoon without it filling up again. Then depression hits and you just want to curl into a ball because you can’t even get a sink of dishes done without hating yourself and everything that you feel is bad about about yourself.

Anxiety is more than panic attacks. Or someone saying that something makes them anxious so they can’t do it. It can be debilitating. It can take a good day and turn it on it’s heels. It can take a person who, to everyone they know, seems like a happy well adjusted person who is full of like, and turn them into a weepy mess who can’t find the motivation to get out of bed.

It’s not something you can just get over. It’s not something that we can just will away. Every day is a battle. It’s dragging yourself through the hard stuff so you can try to enjoy life while you’re in the middle of a breakdown. It’s pulling it together and putting a smile on for your children so they don’t have to see you at your lowest. It’s taking a deep breath, reminding yourself that you are ok, that you are safe, that the anxiety will pass but for that moment in time, it’s ok to give in and feel that anxiety so you can move on and pick up that dishcloth and just do the damn dishes.

And if you are someone who is living with someone who suffers from anxiety, we don’t need you to fix us. We aren’t broke. And acting like we are and that it’s your mission to fix us, that just makes it worse. What we want, no, NEED, from you is your patience. Your love. Your understanding. Hold us and let us know that you are there and we are safe. Let us cry a little. We don’t need fixed, we need support and comfort. Or, you know, maybe this time, you could do those damn dishes for us….

Are they asleep yet?

Being a mom is exhausting.

Today was picture day for my youngest. I knew this for about a week. I still managed to not have the pictures ordered online or the paper filled out to take in. Rushing around, that was completed this morning. A nice outfit was put together and he was out the door to school. I grabbed the dessert I made to take in to work for my teams birthday food day (amazingly I did not forget that) and was off to work. After work, got both kids off the bus, who then proceeded to attach themselves to me for the rest of the day. The older one is almost 14. I love my kids dearly, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But when you have heard both kids screaming “Mom!” Constantly, for 6 hours, you are ready to bust out that duct tape and go to town.

Bed time was full of tears and shouts of “it’s not fair!” from the youngest and the oldest just kept coming out of her room to do one more thing after already saying good night 5 times.

It’s after 11:00pm. There is finally peace and quiet in this house. But being a mom, I am already thinking about how it will all replay itself again tomorrow.

I know I’m going to miss this when they are grown, moved out and have kids of their own. But oh am I going to enjoy when they call me, frazzled and close to tears, asking me how they are supposed to handle these kids who are screaming or crying or just won’t go to sleep already, and I can tel them that I managed with them when they acted like that, hang up the phone, and relax knowing that they finally understand what they put me through when they were growing up.

I do love the hugs, the kisses, the thank you’s and the I love you’s. They make up for all the other moments where you just want to sit down in the bread aisle at Walmart or Target and just cry. Because being a mom is hard. But it’s also the most fulfilling thing that has ever happened to me. These little monsters are my greatest creation.

Time for that bubble..

So much family drama going on! I could totally use that privacy bubble that Dr Cox uses on an episode of Scrubs. My mom and brother are embroiled in a feud and I have received some of the shrapnel. 

In other news, my hubby’s grandma came over today to take me shopping for things we needed for the baby shower we are throwing for my hubby’s cousin. It’s getting close and I’m getting excited. I just hope that the party lives up to mine and grandma’s expectations. I’m hoping for a fun day where the mommy to be can relax and feel the love.  I keep forgetting what day it is though and stressing. Myself out thinking I have no time to get anything done. Lol. I think that’s a symptom of the shrapnel. Hahaha. 

This evening the family sat down and we watched Pan together. It was a cute movie. I can see why some people didn’t care for it, but it wasn’t bad. It was nice to see a movie about a different part of Peter Pan’s life.  

So after the rocky start to the day where I wanted to just crawl into a little protective bubble, it did start to be a good day. Now it’s time for some winding down and sleep. Tomorrow will be another long day filled with things to do and craziness. Yet I’m sure it will be a good day. Every day where you open your eyes and are able to spend time with the ones you love is a good day.

Happy crafting everyone. 

Craft show blues

I almost forgot! The craft show I worked hard for recently went okay, but not as well as I had hoped.  It was a slow day and there were a lot of lookyloos.  I did make a little profit though, so the day wasn’t a total loss.  The big seller was my tooth fairy pillows.  People loved them!  They are a pretty fun idea.  They have a ribbon to hang them on the bedroom door so that the tooth isn’t hidden under the pillow and is more easily found.  I will be making more for the next show coming up at the end of April. I hope they sell just as well at this next one.  It will be at a library, so I want to make a bunch of bookmarks as well.  Those should hopefully sell there.  The up side of not selling too much at this last show is that I had a lot of stuff to add at the consignment shop where I have a nice big shelving unit with my stuff in it.  With Easter coming up, I’m hoping that people buy a lot of the stuffed animals I made for in baskets.  We shall see.

I do admit that I am disappointed with how the last show went, but my hubby is one of my biggest supporters and was like, look, there are a few more shows coming up.  It really warms my heart that he is so supportive of me and my hobby.

So time to shake off the lack of success from the last show and look forward to the next.  You have to think positive.  Happy Crafting!

A while ago, I was diagnosed with high anxiety.  Be it from my childhood growing up or the various hard times I had through my teens and early 20’s, this has helped me deal with it some.  Knowing what is terrorizing you in the middle of the night and keeping you from sleep, or making you stay at home in your comfy pajamas and avoiding those parties or invites to the bars from your friends, makes it easier to handle and get past.  After some blood work, I found out my vitamin D was low, which can aggravate anxiety and depression.  I started taking vitamin D supplements and I really can tell the difference.  I’ve also purchased and have been gifted some wonderful adult coloring books by Johanna Basford.  If you haven’t heard of them or seen them in the stores, go look for them!  They are wonderful.  It really does help to relieve stress when you’re having a bad day.  Crocheting also helps me with the day to day anxiety and stress.  Making something beautiful can distract anyone from sad thoughts or thoughts that you aren’t good enough.  I keep avoiding the other activity that my therapist informed me will help as well.  Exercise.  I’m a stay at home mom.  By the time I feed and care for the kids and my husband, take care of things around the house, plus trying to start potty training our almost 3 year old, there isn’t a whole lot of time for exercise, let alone sleep or fun like when I was younger.  I know that I need to start.  Losing those extra pounds I’ve been carrying around since having my son almost 3 years ago would be a big self esteem boost for me.  Not that I’m overweight or anything, but I used to be in so much better shape.  I keep telling myself that I’ll start after this holiday, or after this week, or maybe tomorrow, yet I don’t have the self discipline needed to do it on my own.  We only have one vehicle, so it’s hard to try and meet people at the gym.  I could go on with the list of excuses that I have as to why I haven’t started working out like I know I should, but I just don’t want to.  It’s hard and I didn’t have a good example growing up of taking care of my body.

Anxiety is something that not a lot of people care to know about or actually acknowledge as an actual disease, so not many people have sympathy for those who go through it.  It can be debilitating at times, but when you get yourself checked out and actually go through the steps to help manage it, anxiety doesn’t have to be something that keeps you from living your life.  It also helps to have a partner who supports you and tries to help you when they are able.  My husband works around 13 hours a day around 4-5 days a week and the days he is off are also rather busy in our house, so he helps when he is able.  We are slowly learning and getting this marriage thing down.  The support is always there though.

I am writing about this today because this morning, I was having a really bad anxiety day.  A little nap while my son was napping, some coloring and some sunshine have helped a lot since this morning.  Every time you experience a bad day, it makes you think about the good days and value them more.  You stop and go through all the different tools you have to battle the invisible monster attacking you and slowly move through them until you find the one that works that day.  Could I use a longer nap? Probably, but for now, I’m ok.  One thing you learn as a mother is that you don’t take as much care of yourself as you do the others in the house.  It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.  The hubby is pretty good about keeping me in check on that, but I slip on that one a good bit anyways.  What mother doesn’t though?

Now it’s off to dinner making, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, homework and other odd jobs around the house until bedtime.  Remember to take care of yourself while you are taking care of your loved ones.  You are important too!

So I was up until about 1:30 am this morning weaving in ends on different things. I wake up a few times in the morning to get my hubby’s lunch ready for work and then to put my daughter on the bus. My son decided to get up early as well so mommy couldn’t get any extra sleep this morning.  This leads to a grumpy mommy. Which is not good for today. Way too much to do. More weaving in of ends, cleaning up the house, dinner with my grandma for her birthday…too much to do to be a grumpy Gus today. I will push through though, and hopefully this bad mood fades away and the day can turn around. 

Off to sew in a million more loose ends. 😬